I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
sarcasm needs its own font
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
