I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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