i just wanna soil my oats bro
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she peed on how many people?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
