We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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