I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
