If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
