He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
