I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard