just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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