he shaved USA in his pubs
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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