You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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