he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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