I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
