what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
