I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
