What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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