So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
