you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
