I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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