I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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