so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
