i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
