I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
