Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
