im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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