i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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