Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
