I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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