Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
