just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
