Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
