Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
