It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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