Little spoons don't ask big questions
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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