well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
