its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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