I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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