Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
