Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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