I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
