John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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