she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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