I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
