i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
