no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
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She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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