If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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