Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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