Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
