I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
