Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
