I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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