Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
