watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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