I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The Olympian is in my bed
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
