just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that