I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
