hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
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Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️