he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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