im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
