Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
