i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
